fear. October 15, 2009
a few more days before the dreadful day of turning a year older and i feel awfully depressed. why? that’s because what i really really wish for which is to have you here in manch with me. that’d be the most awesomest b’day gift ever.. but sadly, it will never ever ever happen.
i’m turning 22. with no aim in life. full stop. i lost one whole year because of mistakes, i cannot redo. a mistake that i totally regret, a mistake that i do not what wrong i did.
what do i do everyday? my favourite past time – eat sleep, eat sleep. such a useless piece of shit, aren’t i? i never felt so lost and empty. at twenty two, people start to rise up quickly, being successful at what they do in the real world out there, with a sense of importance to the community. comparing makes it depressing. some ppl mite say, don’t compare but i’m in a position where i’m such a useless being, it’s hard not to compare yourself with someone successful.
disappointment, a big huge word. sad when it sits comfortably right in front of you. it’s even harder to speak to your parents, without feeling a tinge of guilt. it’s an uncomfortable feeling, i don’t even know how to deal with it. all i can think of is how much they have sacrificed for me, and all i give them is a pie of disappointment splat to their face. it hurts. it hurts big time.. i don’t even know why my lazy ass does not want to do anything to overcome this.. i’m guessing it’s the possibility of fear.
i’m turning 22 and i’m scared. messed up. :’(
upset. October 13, 2009
when you don’t appreciate and constantly shove it aside and delete it permanently, it hurts. this isn’t the first time, this isn’t the second time, it hurts. i wonder whether you know how it feels? i thought you told me you had feelings too.. and i know you do. but don’t you know how these keeps repeating itself and it hurts.
are you going to keep doing this to me and say ‘it’s merely not your thing’?
commetos?